i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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