just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
