Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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