I'm sorry my penis didn't work
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Found your dick twin last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
