Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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