I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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