I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
