I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let's get the cat blown out
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
