not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
