Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
