I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
