He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
