i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
