I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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