He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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