i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
