I just saw a hot homeless man
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
