one two three fourrrrnication!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
