I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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