i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
A+ Viking dick
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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