You smell like a Billy Joel song
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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