my sisters under your porch take her home
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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