I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
