If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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