I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
