It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
