I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
