i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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