I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
