yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
