if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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