i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
