I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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