one word: firstdatebathroomanal
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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