ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
