I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
