and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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