Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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