Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
