My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
