soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
