i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
