the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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