Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like abortions should bother me more
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
