it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
