Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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