It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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