Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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