You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
