STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
