Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
