I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if only i could text you this smell
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
