i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
