how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
