I wish I could teleport
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
