after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
