my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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