mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
