If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
