Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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