the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
